Grief

It's been so long since I've posted I've mostly forgotten how.



First, sad news about my dear one. Last April my darling Curmudgeon had a heart event in his sleep, and even though the EMTs did finally get a heart rhythm back, he didn't ever "wake up". It's been about 10 months since he died and I still feel as though I'm on an emotional roller-coaster. Those five stages of grief? What no one tells you is that you don't necessarily move/progress through them smoothly, transitioning from one stage to the next. For me, it's been (and still is) a hodge-podge of profound grief one day, ballistic anger the next day and "calm" acceptance another day. And on and on.











This pic was joyfully discovered in my camera's memory after he died. I don't think I took it - maybe The Bean or DS/DD snapped it. As I look at his face in this tableau, he looks worried or maybe in pain. He also looks more haggard than he looked when awake. We used to tease him unmercifully about falling asleep anywhere, any time, and if any of the cats had access...well, they regarded him as heated furniture.

While he was in the hospital (connected to all kinds of machines in the hours before he actually was un-plugged and subsequently "died" for real) the cardiologist told us that his heart was only functioning at about 60% and that it had most probably been that way for a period of several years. Now, of course, we're all so sorry that we teased him for falling asleep anywhere anytime... Poor guy! He needed it. And, we're all still amazed at how hard he worked, how much he got done in spite of 40% less output from his heart.



And, despite his haggard, pained look, I'm so glad I have this picture of him with his beloved cats.

I'm planning on posting again soon - and with knitting content. Yes, there has been some knitting.